and Me Without a Weapon
by The Letter M
Summary: Nny goes to the mall (GASP! SOCIAL!) because he needs a new knife. He meets some celebrities along the way! (This tries to be funny)


…and Me Without a Weapon  
  
By The Letter M  
  
[A/N: HI! I blew this out in a day and a half! It is just a little story and I like it so don't make fun of it! "Stuff and Things" is based on a specialty store that is in a mall near where I live. I like to go there! (Nobody is paying me for this!) Also, The Letter K, my BEST FRIEND, came up with the saying stuff and things is hers so don't use it! Enjoy! P.S. Sorry for the screenplay form! I didn't feel like writing fluently!]  
  
Disclaimer: (This has to be here) Nny (probably) belongs to Jhonen Vasquez and Slave Labor Graphics. All other characters in this story are made up. Any resemblance to anyone real or fictional is purely coincidence. Same with stuff, but I don't think anyone owns Slurpee.  
  
**Nny (I shouldn't have to describe him for you!) walks through one of the sets of glass doors. A hoard of cheerleaders pushes past him and through the second set, knocking him to the ground. He growls as he picks himself up off the grubby mats and dusts himself off. He reaches into his trench coat inner pocket and feels around for his knife. Suddenly, he remembers why he came to such a (shudder) social place. He makes a mental note to find the twinkies after he buys his new knife. He walks through the second set of glass doors and makes his way toward the specialty store.  
  
All in all, it is a pretty cool store. At the entrance, a jade green sign reads "Stuff and Things". Inside at the front, all types of incense are displayed, some even lit. On the wall hang intricate plaques with Celtic designs, Aztec suns, and pentacles. A few teenage boys huddle around the case that contains the knives. Healing herbs and Wiccan spell kits stand in the middle and oriental fans and miniature Buddhas line another wall. A girl and her mother browse a small rack of clothes. The mother picks out a long pink Renaissance-style dress. Her daughter pulls a dark green kimono off the rack. At the glass counter, which also serves as a display case for gothic and Wiccan jewelry, sits a girl, probably about 19 years old. She has close cut forest green hair with blonde highlights and numerous piercings. She thumbs idly through a magazine and plays with her gold pentacle necklace. Nny pretends to busy himself by playing with a lit stick of incense while he waits for the teenage boys to leave. Finally, he walks over to the display case and looks over the boys' heads into it. They take a hint and leave. He looks in seriously and, after deciding on his purchase, walks up to the front counter. There just happens to be a line. (Yay!) In front of him, a very decorated gothic woman pays for a Wiccan wealth spell and an anti-hangover kit. Her son, probably about 9 years old, stands at the front of the store, playing with the same lit stick of incense that Nny had. He would burn himself, say ouch, laugh, and do it again. Its obvious, by how loud he is being, that his mother is ignoring him. The goth woman makes her purchase and turns around, bumping into Nny. He looks at her oddly and she looks up at him through bloodshot eyes. **  
  
Goth Woman: Don't YOU tell me I have a problem! I don't HAVE a problem! I can stop whenever I feel like it! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO RAISE A KID ALONE ASSHOLE?! DO YOU?!  
  
Nny: No. Do you?  
  
Goth Woman: Do I what?  
  
Nny: Do you know how to raise a kid alone?  
  
Goth Woman: All I know is you've got a nice ass.  
  
**Nny looks at the woman strangely as she walks away. He wishes he had his knife. He would run her through so fast… **  
  
Nny: Poor kid.  
  
Girl at Counter: What?  
  
Nny: Nothing. Um, theres a knife in that case that I want.  
  
Girl at Counter: My break just started so you'll have to wait, like, twenty minutes.  
  
**Nny growls as he walks out of Stuff and Things and back into the mall. He puts that chick behind the counter and that goth woman on his mental list. He meanders around the nearby food court, glaring at the happy people, eating their overly greasy food and drinking theirs sodas and Slurpees. SLURPEES! Nny heads toward one of the restaurant stand thingys that holds a colorful Slurpee display. He checks his pocket. The knife he wants costs $125. He has $130. (How much money does he have to buy a Slurpee? I betcha didn't know you'd be doin math in my story!) He approaches the counter. The person at the register is turned around so all he can see is long brown wavy hair. **  
  
Nny: Brainfree- I mean Slurpee. Cherry.  
  
**The person turns around to face him. He looks EXACTLY like Weird Al Yankovic. **  
  
Weird Al Lookalike: $2.00  
  
Nny: *Thinking* Expensive.  
  
**As the lookalike fills Nny's cup with the viscous liquid, Nny pulls the cashmoneys (That's right! Cashmoneys!) out of his pocket. He puts them on the counter and the lookalike hands him his Slurpee with a smile. A big, toothy smile. It is then that Nny realizes that he really IS Weird Al. He had already had him on his list for being dumb enough to act like him, but he goes on again for BEING him. He takes his Slurpee and walks over to a nearby bench. Hoping to be soothed by the Slurpee's Brainfreezy-like qualities, he sucks on the straw and gags. The horribly bad parody artist gave him a strawberry! STRAWBERRY!!! He puts Weird Al's name on the list AGAIN as he throws away the cup. He looks over to Stuff and Things. The chick behind the counter is back.  
  
As fast as his long legs can carry him, (That's pretty fast!) Nny runs over to the store. He looks down on the girl. **  
  
Girl at Counter: Oh yeah… You're the knife guy.  
  
Nny: Yeah. I'm the knife guy.  
  
**The girl grabs her keys off a nail on the nearby wall and walks over to the display case. Nny follows. He points out the one he wants: a decorated machete with a serrated tip. She unlocks the case and hands it to him. **  
  
Girl: *Closes the case* We have mountings and stuff like that so you can hang it up. *Looks at Nny* Or were you planning to use that?  
  
Nny: I guess you could say I'm gonna use it.  
  
Girl: Do you know HOW to?  
  
**Nny pauses, then looks at her evilly. **  
  
Nny: I do. *Slides the machete through her ribcage* Very well.  
  
**Nny smiles as he takes the money for the knife out of his pocket and drops it onto the glass counter next to the register. Then, he notices that the money, along with his clothes from the waist down are covered with sticky red-black liquid. He leaves the store, deciding that he is too grubby to shorten his list anymore, and begins to look for the mall exit. After walking through numerous crowds, and getting hundreds of strange, scared looks, he finds a pair of metal double doors. Assuming that he has found the exit, he walks through them and into another room with 3 other doors labeled 1 2 and 3. **  
  
Nny: *To himself* This place is so weird.  
  
** He closes his eyes, sighs, and spins around. When he stops, he is facing door 3. He walks up to it and opens it. Standing on a pedestal, amidst hundreds of overweight, middle-aged, jazzercising women, is Richard Simmons. **  
  
Richard Simmons: Come on ladies! WORK THOSE THIGHS!  
  
Music: Come on move your body baby do the conga! I know you cant control yourself any longer! Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger! Don't you fight it til you tried to do that conga beat!  
  
**Nny shudders and is about to add Richard Simmons to his list when he looks down and remembers his dripping weapon. He grins and dashes through the jiggling masses. He jumps up in front of the little man and grabs him by the sweatband. He pulls him to the ground. Then, in a burst of strength and energy, he throws him into the air and skewers him on the raised machete. The women continue to sweat to the 80's as Nny leaves. He walks up to another door. Door 1. He opens it, looks in and gasps. In the middle of the pure white room stands a goat eating out of a pile of hay. Nny's face goes pale and he shuts the door. He sighs, closes his eyes, and opens the last door.  
  
A wave of sound hits him and he opens his eyes wide. Directly across the room from him is a glowing red exit sign. Nny begins to move forward and notices what stands between him and the exit. He has somehow entered a Star Trek convention. (GASP!) He sees, among many other lines, a line for the exit. After 45 minutes of waiting, vicious murder, and line crosses, Nny reaches the front, only to find that he has been waiting in line for William Shatner's autograph. **  
  
William Shatner: *In his William Shatner voice* What do… you want me to sign?  
  
Nny: I thought this was the line for the exit.  
  
**Shatner nods and grabs the guy in line behind Nny's picture as Nny starts to walk away. **  
  
Shatner: Those…wacky kids.  
  
**Nny turns around. One of his eyes is much bigger than the other. He pulls his new, but stained machete from its sheath. William Shatner, who is signing an autograph, is still looking downward as Nny shoves the blade through the top of his skull. He pulls it out quickly. As Shatner's head falls, his marker swipes across the picture, drawing a mustache on his face. Nny puts his weapon away and turns around. The gaping crowd of onlookers quickly changes their expressions. (That just doesn't sound right to me. Hmm….maybe I'm just an idiot.) **  
  
Jeff (the guy at the front of the crowd): Let's get 'em!  
  
**Nny, assuming that the mob has turned angry at him for killing their god, takes his machete out again and prepares to fight. He stabs a few of the "fans" as they rush toward him, but puts his machete away when he realizes that many of them are walking away holding bloodied clothes, accessories, and body parts. Nny turns around and sees a dark puddle where the celebrity had sat. Nny shrugs and joins the exit line. After much waiting, he reaches the front. He pushes the heavy metal door and an alarm sounds.  
  
A 17 year old boy sits up in his bed. He switches off his alarm and runs his hand through his black hair. **  
  
Boy: *Thinking* Wow! That was irritating and invigorating at the same time.  
  
THE END!  
  
[A/N: Hmm… something about that ending rubs me the wrong way. Oh well! I'll submit it and you guys can tell me what you thought! YAY! Anyway! I hope you liked it! Or maybe you didn't! I'm gonna write something else now!] 


End file.
